Up until a few years ago, I didn’t know I was Autistic. It wasn’t that my parents kept my diagnosis from me. They didn’t know either. Some of you may be wondering, “How do you not know your child is Autistic? How could you not know you are Autistic?”
Well, honestly, it is more common than you might think. While I didn’t know I was Autistic, that didn’t mean that I never felt different from my peers. I often felt like I was expending a lot more effort than others to get the same result. I often heard “I never thought of it like that” when asking questions. I was creative, I had some friends, and did well in school overall. I got through school and earned my bachelor’s degree.
I got a job. And it was just like when I was in grade school. I spent so much more energy to get the same results as my colleagues.
After few years of muddling through, a healthcare provider recognized I had ADHD and got me connected to someone that could formally diagnose me and get me started on ADHD medication. That really helped.
I thought “You know, this is it. This is what I’ve been frustrated with my whole life! My brain works differently because I have ADHD. It was not my imagination.”
ADHD medication definitely helped. But the biggest benefit was having the label of ADHD to give me a way to learn more about how my brain worked.
I still felt like ADHD could not explain everything I was feeling, though. I mean, I did not ever doubt I had ADHD. Trust me, the doctors were not wrong. But I did wonder if I had a different kind of ADHD.
A few years later, I was reading posts in a Facebook group for people who have ADHD and someone described how I felt. In the comments, someone suggested, “Have you considered maybe you’re also Autistic?” And I thought “Weird. ADHD is not the same thing as autism. How could you get them confused? And how could a grown person be posting things on the internet and not know they’re Autistic. That’s ridiculous, right? Right….?”
Right.
But I was intrigued at how someone who seemed to feel a lot like I did might be Autistic. So, I read everything I could about autism.
I joined some new groups and eerily found myself reading posts that were like someone had been watching me from afar. I thought “This is bizarre. How can I identify with all these Autistic people? I mean, I’m not Autistic. This is so strange.”
I continued reading and learned about the idea of self-diagnosis. If you are not a young white cisgender boy who likes trains, unless you have other more visible struggles, like you don’t use mouth words or have some kind of motor skill issues, then then it’s entirely possible that your autism will not be identified in childhood, if ever.
And so, the majority of Autistic adults embrace the idea of self-diagnosis.
When folks hear that term, they might imagine a person watching a single TikTok and go “Wow. That video said that people who are Autistic like bananas. I like bananas, so I must be Autistic.” It is more like months and months of research, self-reflection, and taking tests while trying to find someone who assesses adults. Then, you realize how few people will actually assess adults, so you kinda have to self-diagnose.
I thought “You know, I think I have found it. I think I have found why ADHD doesn’t quite seem to fit. Because I’m not just someone who has ADHD. I’m also Autistic.”
And like when I was diagnosed with ADHD, the label really helped.
There’s a lot of discussion about why an adult would want an Autism diagnosis. It is possible someone might seek a formal diagnosis to qualify for support services.
But there’s also something really valuable in learning more about how your brain works, and also finding a community, especially when you’ve lived most of your life feeling like you never fit in.
Recently, I saw a tweet about getting an Autism diagnosis as an adult. “Why do you need a label?” Because there is comfort in knowing you are a normal zebra, not a strange horse. Because you can’t find community with other zebras if you don’t know you belong. And because it is impossible for a zebra to be happy or healthy spending its entire life feeling like a failed horse.
And so that’s why I have chosen to put my story out there. Once I figured out that I was Autistic and had ADHD, it explained so much about my life.
It helped me realize that it was not my imagination all these years. My brain really does not work in the same way that a majority of folks’ brains do. That’s why I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere, and why I felt like I had to put in so much more effort to do the same things. There is nothing wrong with me. I share my story so that other zebras might recognize they are also a zebra, and always have been. And instead of trying to pretend to be a horse their whole life, they can find the zebra community a whole lot earlier than I did.
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